"You're not welcome around here"

The world is a frightening place, doubly so in metropolitan areas. In fact, it’s a rock-solid certainty in these troubled times that around almost any corner a new menace could lurk, skulking in the half shadows of some neon-lit urban walkway, where toddlers chew live ammunition and housing estates compete with one another – Britain in Bloom style – for which one can smell the most like tramp’s piss.

So, it was with some surprise that residents of Bristol City Council’s public housing awoke one morning to find that the latest unspeakable threat to their safety, the agent of chaos in their midst was none other than their humble doormat.

Residents of council-owned flats in the city were asked not to leave their doormats outside for health and safety reasons, apparently because they constituted a trip hazard. Failure to comply would result in confiscation and disposal of the lethal foot-wiping equipment.

Unable to furnish exact statistics on how many serious accidents or fatalities had occurred in the name of these unwelcome welcomes, Bristol City Council sensibly withdrew its demands for most of the city’s 40,000 council tenants, choosing to crack down on the 2,000 weak and elderly occupants of its sheltered housing scheme instead.

According to delightfully imprecise information released to the Red Tape Recorder under the Freedom of Information Act, the cost of this initiative in terms of paper, printing, postage and manpower stands at “not more than a few hundred pounds”

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"It may take 7-14 days to put out a fire".

A few years ago, I worked in an office in north London. One day, I happened to look out of my window and noticed a small plume of smoke curling from the litter bin in the smokers’ courtyard. A small fire had developed which looked as though it could easily spread to nearby bushes.

Feeling that calling the fire brigade would be somewhat over-zealous, I rang the Facilities Management department. They asked me a series of questions about the nature of my request and then suggested calling the fire brigade. I explained that it wasn’t really necessary and that a member of Facilities could quite easily put it out. They informed me that in order to proceed with that course of action, I would need to raise an online work request. Before abruptly hanging up, they assured me that an engineer would be able to resolve the problem within 7 -14 days.

I put it out with a glass of water.

"Chris"

Click here to submit your own story of administrative incompetence, jobsworthiness or meddling.

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The End of the Line.

After I had been job hunting a little while, I decided I needed to sign on until I got a job. I went to the Jobcentre and talked to a lady who told me I would need to make an appointment.

'Can I make an appointment then?'
'No, you will have to phone to make an appointment'
OK. 'So if I phone where will it go through to'
'Here,' the Jobcentre lady said.
'So why can't I just make an appointment with you now? I don't have much credit on my phone and when I call I'm on hold for so long...'
'OK,' she said, 'give me your number and we will call you'

I gave my number to the lady. Five minutes after I left the building I got a call from the same woman who had just told me I would have to phone to make an appointment, phoning to make an appointment.

Because of renovations at the Jobcentre, my application to recieve Jobseekers' Allowance had to be put off for four weeks. In which time I phone up to say that I had got a few days work.

They phone me up again to come into the office and when I turn up the same lady tells me that they have cancelled my claim because I have done more than 16 hours of work, even though I have gone a month without recieving any help.

I am told I will have to start a new application, and that I will have to make an appointment.

'Can I make an appointment then?'
'No, you will have to phone to make an appointment'
OK. 'So if I phone where will it go through to'
'Here,' the Jobcentre lady said.
'So why can't I just make an appointment with you now?'

And so on and so on...

"Ben"

Click here to submit your own story of administrative incompetence, jobsworthiness or meddling.

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TV: A Licence to Bill.

Two separate accounts here - highlighting the differences between engaging the forces of bureaucracy and trying to ignore them. As you can see, the difference is hard to perceive, except for our second victim who now has a slightly higher phone bill than our first.

This is the mark of a true bureaucracy - whether or not you engage with it does not matter, it has satisfied an internal process and just carries on to its next hapless victim.

The space where the TV was

Having declined several opportunities to obtain a TV Licence - I don't actually have a TV and I refuse to phone them to tell them I don't have one (who does one phone to report, for example, that one does not possess a car or a freezer?), I finally replied to one of their threatening missives. Apparently, licencing vans were "in YOUR area SOON!" so I invited them to come around and have a cup of tea, suggesting that together we could look at the space where the TV had once stood.

After several more reminders and a change of address, a representative called, barged past me into the house and then left abruptly, informing me that there was no TV and that we would be "left alone for three years or so".

"Howard"

TV Cops

Having not watched the dross belching from my TV screen for many months, I figured it was a waste of time hanging on to the set. This left me with two months to run on my TV Licence, on the reverse of which was a suggestion that I might be entitled to some kind of refund. I wrote to 'the powers that be' and explained my situation, only to be told that no refund was available as they can only be given in periods of 3 months. I swallowed that with a little indignation, but hey - I'm not going to get all worked up for �20.

Within a couple of weeks I got a red letter. My house was registered as having no TV Licence (as if I didn't know) and I had 7 days to ring and explain. Failure to do so would result in my details being passed on to their Orwellian-sounding "enforcement officers".

I was getting annoyed. I had already explained my situation adequately by mail, so why should I write or ring to explain again? It would all cost me money and they had already had �20 out of me for nothing.

I swallowed my annoyance and rang the number. The conversation went something like this:
Some guy: "Why are you ringing this number"

Me: "Coz I was asked to by letter"

SG: "What letter?"

Me: "A red letter, asking me to explain why I have no TV Licence"

SG: "Why haven't you got a TV Licence?"

Me: "Because I don't own or have on my premises any receiving equipment, so I don't need one"

SG: "If you have got any equipment..."

Me: "I just said I don't"

SG:: "I just said if you have got any equipment..."

Me:"I just said I don't"

SG: "and I just said If you have got any equipment and receive any broadcasts, you will be liable to a fine of up to �1,000. We will be sending someone round to your house to check if you have any equipment"

Me: "I wrote to tell you I have no TV, I have now rung to tell you I have no TV. The fact is clear: I have no TV. I am not worried about you fining me, as I am doing nothing wrong. Good bye"

They sent me a letter saying that someone would call at my home to check whether or not I had any means to receive specific broadcastings. If that person was satisfied that I had no such means, then I would be left alone for three years, after which time the process would begin again.

Now hang on a minute! My home is my home - I don't want some great lumbering gorilla rummaging around for a TV I haven't got. Why should I be treated like a criminal when my only crime is to loathe watching TV?

"Evi"

Click here to submit your own story of administrative incompetence, jobsworthiness or meddling.

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